Reader’s Journal: The “Bottom” Age

According to a British medical study, age forty-four is the ultimate age for unhappiness, also known as the infamous midlife crisis. The research shows this age to be at the lowest point of the happiness scale which is U shaped. When I read the study I was alarmed, since my 44th birthday was just around the corner. Before I start stocking up on anti-depressants, I figured I should consult with some of my women friends my age and beyond, to see how they are weathering or weathered the storm of the ultimate age of the midlife crisis.

My friend Terry, age 43, was very candid, “It’s hard now to keep the weight off, and I have all these new issues with my health, and also I have a hard time saving up for retirement. I am worried about the future.” She continued, “There are so many things that I wanted to accomplish in my life, and I feel like I’m running out of time, I regret not being more proactive.”

I had no response. I also regret not doing so many things, taking time for granted. I had put some of my dreams on hold always thinking, ”One day”. I felt a sharp pain in my gut. The midlife unhappiness was slowly beginning to seep into my consciousness.

Another friend Rachel, a self-made multi millionaire who is turning forty-five next month, has all the money and security she needs but does that mean a happy “ bottom age?”

“I am breaking out like never before, it must be my hormones going out of whack.” She said, which made me wonder. My pimply stage extended way beyond my adolescence, I had them on my back and chin until my late twenties. Why should such nasty little things reappear now when my joints had also started to ache? It didn’t seem fair.

My conversation with Rachel revealed yet another issue; the fear of looking older, which I am very well acquainted with. “Well botox only last for so long,” Rachel noted, “and more is needed more frequently, and the numbness!”

Rules That Preclude a Relationship

Every now and then we set up rules for ourselves, thinking that these will help us with life, love and the day to day business of living. But sometimes these rules may get in the way of the reality of life and love and prevent us from having the relationship we really want. Tricia is a remarkable woman. A former dance instructor who excells on the dance floor in West Coast Swing, Salsa and more. She works full time, has a nice home, grown children, on their own also with children. Tricia is popular on the local dance circuit. She’d like a relationship, but her “rules” get in the way.

Rule 1: “Backpedaling”- This rule prevents others from explaining what they just said. Trisha takes words at face value, though words have many meanings. If a man tries to explain what he meant by what he said, he is “backpedaling” and the conversation is over. Trisha thinks, “he is trying to change the story, not explain it.” If any relationship is to succeed, then communication must be open and what is said, or understood, sometimes needs to be explained. The only way of doing this is to explain what YOU meant by the words you chose versus what the listener thought you said.

Rule 2: Using “IF” when apologizing- Sometimes we don’t know if words or actions have hurt someone. We may expect so, so we say “if I hurt you, I apologize.” For Trisha, this is a disclaimer. Using the word “if” is not an apology at all; yet how many times have we heard the other person say, “I’m not hurt, just disappointed,” or some facsimile thereof? Using the word “if” is only a verbal tool to find out if you hurt someone. If so, then the apology follows. One should never discount the sincerity of an apology just because it was not in the narrow context of what they think an apology should be.

So check out your rules for communicating, your rules for a successful relationship. Are they so strict or narrow that they get in the way of dating, of romance, of you? Are you too proud to change, to make adjustments, to allow yourself to succeed in relationships?

Too often we seek perfection in places where perfection is hard to attain; like being human. “To err is human.” We all say things we wish we hadn’t, done things we wish we could change. Perhaps with a little understanding and the patience to listen, we can resolve those things that tear us apart and find we really do have a good thing with our Significant Other.

  How to Overcome Resentment When You’re Forced to Relocate

In today’s economy, there are a lot of individuals that are forced to move to a new city, or even a new country. Often times, it’s a matter of moving where the work is. Other times, you may be following someone you love, making your own personal sacrifices to do so.

Relocating can be difficult or easy - depending upon whether you’re moving happily or you’re moving against your will. If you’re moving to follow a dream, you might feel excited. However, if you’re moving against your will, or sacrificing a lot to make the move, it can be easy to feel resentful, stubborn and unwilling for change to happen.
Unfortunately, staying stuck in this resentment, and continuing to be stubborn will actually backfire. It will quickly lead you to see only negatives about your life. You’ll hate where you’re living, be angry with those around you, push away loved ones and, ultimately, become completely isolated, homesick, and maybe even depressed. So, what should you do if you are being forced to move against your will, or if you’ve already relocated and are stuck in resentment?

Here are some helpful strategies:

1. Admit that you hate it. If you hate the idea of moving, say it. Admit it out loud - yell it if you want to. Give yourself this opportunity to speak your mind. This will allow you to give voice to your internal feelings, be heard, and that, in turn, will enable you to move on.

2. Give yourself a grieving period. Set a defined time limit - no more than two weeks - to allow yourself to really grieve about the move. Mope around, growl at the changes you see, just feel terrible. Towards the end of this period, you might even try exaggerating how awful everything is to get it all out, and, also, allow yourself to understand how easy it is to find all the negatives. But once the grieving period is over, stop it. Make a commitment to find positives, stop complaining and really stick to it.

3. Find something positive to celebrate every day. You might find a video store that allows you to rent movies really cheaply. You might have had a nice conversation with the cashier as you purchased groceries. Perhaps you treat yourself to some chocolate and celebrate how great it tasted! The point is to celebrate something - feel good about something each day.

4. Keep a journal of your experiences. Keep track of everything - all the feelings from your grieving period, and then notes about the positive things you find to celebrate. After a few months, you’ll be able to read back over the entries and see just how far you’ve come. This is encouraging and can really help you in your new surroundings.
Though it may take some time, moving forward, looking for new opportunities, and creating a positive mindset will make your experience a lot better.

Laugh Out Loud in Your Bedroom

“It’s okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don’t point.” Will DurstApparently, sex is fun. I say apparently because a lot of people do not seem to have much fun during sex. Or at least the feedback I get from longer-term couples is that sex has become a little stale to the point of being boring. In fact, a billion (plus) industry was created to show couples how to spice up their sex lives and make it a little more exciting.

I was doing an interview with a reporter from Cosmopolitan magazine. The title of the article was “Soulful Sex”, the premise being how a woman can be more present during her sexual experience. For which I am a zealous advocate.

Justifiably, to give the article balance, the reporter interviewed a few other experts. One felt that, in order to have a full and transported sexual experience, everyone taking part had to be Silent!The New York reporter asked for my reaction or feelings towards Silent! sex. Unfortunately, my media-trained censor for stupid questions was shut off and my laughing response was, “You’re joking!”

“Oh, no, no, no,” the reporter sincerely replied. She politely explained that sex, without the moaning and groaning to distract, allows the couple to really focus and home in on what is going on. Therefore, Silence! enables the couple to be fully and completely present with their lover. “Riiiiight,” I replied cautiously while thinking, “Or go to sleep quicker.”

I believe different opinions make the world go around. Maybe some young ladies reading that Cosmopolitan article will find true Zen happiness in Silent! sex. Yet I cannot help but think how too many people want to break out of that dull sex trap.

The couples who I admire and model my own marriage after, the ones who have a great relationship and great sex over the long term, are far from silent. Moreover, every day they laugh, play and, most importantly, have fun together—loud and proud.

In particular, one girlfriend life’s journey has given her more bumps than smooth roads. Although she does not, she has every right to complain and take life a little too seriously.

She really (REALLY) enjoys sex. Why? She believes sex is a treat. It is one of the few times in her challenging life that she can have a good old belly laugh and play like she did when she was young. In her words, “Sex is my grown up fun time.”

I wish I could duplicate whatever sex-is-fun DNA gene she was given at birth—that way I could inject the secret sex formula into millions of couples. Then, as Yoda would say, “A very rich woman I would become.”

Yet experiencing this joie de vivre from sex is not a lifelong pilgrimage only the truly worthy will struggle with and find—as some books I have read would have you believe. It is just the opposite. It is as simple as lightening up the atmosphere in your bedroom.

Let’s look at the average couple’s serious bedroom sex scene. They have: very little to no talking, no changing up of the old and tired sex routine, certainly no laughing, no toys, no games, no nothing. Silent! sex.

Does this make you want to run to the bedroom and throw off your clothes? Yawn. Me neither. Curling up with a favorite book elicits more stimulation. It is easy to understand why over time, a couple’s priorities such as kids, work, or hobbies often take precedent because these activities are plainly more inspiring.

How can you create grown up fun with your partner? Not to be a cop-out, but everyone’s version of what constitutes a good time is different. Creating a fun-space means sitting down with your partner and (surprise) communicating about what the two of you find enjoyable and how you will make time.

Please do not feel overwhelmed about reinventing the wheel. There are hundreds of people who have already figured this out for you. Off the top of my head, I can list ten couple’s bedroom games that are meant to incite romance. There are a plethora of books at your local bookstore that give step-by-step instructions.

There are so many options, the hard part for you will be choosing. The trick is you have to: (1) go and find it; (2) be willing to break the Silent! sex routine and; (3) not take your life-long sex so seriously.

Sex is deeply meaningful. Being able to have grown up fun time makes sex more enjoyable, something you will want to experience often. Ergo, you are focused and present and will enable the super important deep connection to transpire.

Do your sex life a favor: lighten up and laugh out loud in your bedroom.

Look Great on a Budget

Brand name fashion and vintage can cost the name if found at the right place. Who says that a beautiful dress has to cost more than your rent? A gorgeous pair of leather boots does not have to fuse person’s toes together. Flat or two-inch high heels can still count as fashionable. Dressier Options:
Vintage wrap dresses

Certified Image consultant Margaret Batting suggests that women need to think about how they want to be perceived and dress accordingly.

“If you want to come across as confident, smart and fun, then your clothes need reflect these messages. Wear colors that compliment your natural coloring and bring out your eyes. You’ll be talking a lot on a first date and you want the person focused on your face and what you are saying.” Banning insists on making sure you are comfortable in an outfit that is not frumpy or too loose, meaning that you feel good in clothes that fit well and flatter your shape.

To portray a sexier side of you is a little tricky. Skin should be shown in moderation.

For example, Batting suggest that any woman with great legs should show them off but keep the top half of the body conservative and vise versa.

“If you have great legs, then rock a mini on the bottom half and wear a less revealing top. If you have great arms, wear a top that shows off your arms with a pair it of hot jeans or skinny pants and heals.”

Stella & Dot stylist Tracy Bennett suggests a nice light merino sweater, complimented with a simple blouse and nice jeans or cuffed jeans for a first date. Not too dressy, not too casual.
“If you are going to a nicer place, I would suggest trousers or slacks.”

For the slightly heavier woman:
Bennett insists on not wearing items that are too fitting. Nice jeans with a boot cut or flare would be a good choice. As for the top, it should show little to no pattern and dark in colour, flows in style but not too big.

For the thinner woman:
According to Bennett, a thinner, not so curvy lady looks best with a tunic, slimming jeans and boots. Bennett feels that is look is quite classy, assists in creating height and doesn’t play too much on the thin look, very voluptuous.

As for accessories, readers can check out www.fiveaccessories.com. Founded by Christine Hutchison, Five Accessories has everything from eco-friendly handbags to jewelry that will compliment any outfit at reasonable prices.

Meeting the parents:
It’s definitely not essential to look sexy when meeting the parents. Look and be classy all the way. Look confident, smart, sweet and as innocent as possible.

Depending on the venue, casual or dressy outfits could both come into play. Stylists and image consultants give their tips on this scenario.

Maragaret Batting: “For a casual meeting with the parents you can wear pants, a ruffled or feminine blouse topped with a stylish cardigan and maybe add a belt for interest. If it is a dressier occasion, a dress may be more appropriate. Either way, you want to come across as confident, approachable and friendly. This is not the time to wear revealing clothing. Again you want to come across as comfortable and authentic.”

Mary Kincaid: “When in doubt, it’s probably a good idea to border on the conservative side when it comes to meeting the parents, so stay away from trends. A tailored pair of trousers might make a nicer impression than jeans. A khaki skirt with a crisp white blouse looks pulled together. It still allows you express a bit of personality when you pair the outfit with a vintage scarf, necklace or beaded sweater.”

Prepare to Be Happy This Year

January is often the time we set goals, make resolutions, and determine what we’ll do differently or better. So, after attending a recent meditation evening, I was profoundly struck by a deceptively simple question:

“What do you do that makes you happy?”

On the surface, I might say, “I find great ways to meet new people, I travel, I reach lots of people with my blog,” and a host of other activities. But the question is really much deeper.

We spoke about our natural tendency as human beings to wake up each day and hope our day goes well. We might think things like, “I hope this year is better than last year” “I hope I get a job” ”I hope the boss is nicer to me today.” “I hope I don’t have to do that stupid report today.” If you’re homesick, or suffering from relocation depression, you might be thinking, “I hope I can find something interesting to do today.” “I hope I can leave this awful place soon.” “I hope someone will become my friend today.” 

Do those thoughts make you happy?

Typically, those thoughts disempower us. Instead, they put all our power in our circumstances, and the people around us to make us happy. If the train is late, or the boss is mean, or you don’t find anything to do today, then your day will stink. After a stinky, tough, horrible day, you’ll come home feeling angry and unhappy. Once you get home, you’ll expect your friends and family to be understanding, and make you feel happier. As if they hold the key to making you feel better.

But the real truth is, we create our own happiness. We have the choice to get angry when things don’t go our way, or to see the opportunities that are created, and to focus on what makes us happy, and create more happiness in our lives. For example, let’s say a friend cancels plans with you last minute, leaving you alone with nothing to do. You can get angry, complain to your friend that you could have made other plans if she had told you sooner, and spend the evening muttering curse words and feeling full of regret. Or, you can catch up on that reading you haven’t had time for, go to the movies, check out a museum, walk home a different way, etc.

As you spend your January making resolutions, I’m going to challenge you to be more happy! Here are a few suggestions:

            How to Avoid Holiday Depression After Relocating

With the holiday season upon us, I know many expats will be far from home. This is a time when it’s all too easy to get caught up in missing your friends and family back home, and wishing you were with them, leading to possible bouts of depression. Especially if you are in a country that doesn’t celebrate a holiday that is traditional for your country, such as Thanksgiving. It can be even harder to find that life continues as normal on a day you’re used to sharing with your family. And, don’t forget the weather! If home is a place where winter is snowy and cold, and you’re someplace in the Southern Hemisphere, then it’s going to feel really strange to find people swimming and walking around in t-shirts, which can make home feel even further away.

However, you also have the choice to see this as a time of discovery, welcoming in new traditions. I have spent Thanksgiving in Paris twice, once with a fellow expat who cooked us a lovely dinner, and another time with friends, dining at a restaurant that had a special Thanksgiving menu. Actually, the restaurant experience was one of those prix-fixe menus with a leg of Turkey that resembled duck confit, and a very French-ified version of mashed potatoes, etc. It was like gourmet gone wrong. (Really, is there a way to make roasted/fried turkey gourmet?) The wine, of course, was great, and so my friends and I enjoyed each other’s company, and had a good laugh at the meal. Of course, it was wonderful, for us, to be with each other, and we were grateful that a country that doesn’t even celebrate this holiday, gave us a way to honor it by combining our tradition with theirs.

I’ve also spent Christmas in Normandie, where we ate Oysters instead of the meat, or turkey and potatoes I’m accustomed to at this time of year. Though I wasn’t with my family, I bonded with others over wine and oysters till the wee hours, sharing discussion, laughter and fun.

What I find is most important is making sure to celebrate the occasions, and to honor them with good friends.

Here are a few ideas for you to consider during the holiday season:

1. If you can’t go home, see if home can come to you! Invite your friends and family to visit you.

2. Reach out to neighbors, colleagues, and new friends, and ask the ones you’re closest to if you can spend any of the holiday season together.

3. If you feel you don’t know anyone well enough yet, then look for other expats in your area. If, for example, you’re an American living in Peru, see what other expats are there using something like Facebook or Google, doing a search for expats near where you live.

4. If you can’t find anyone to spend the holiday with, see if any restaurants or community organizations might be holding a holiday dinner. This way, you can at least be surrounded by people, rather than alone.

5. Now is a great time to make new friends! Take full advantage of every method possible to meet new people.

6. Host a dinner at your place for the holidays and invite your new and old friends over to enjoy the time together.